Dear Barbara,
You said in the meeting today that you wouldn't even consider placing me in Kyle's studio. I'm begging you to reconsider. I've never had the same advisor twice. Never in my 5 years at CMS, have I had the same advisor. First was Dana, then Allen, after that I had Emily, Mandy was fourth, and finally Debi. It doesn't make any sense to me to keep me in a mentally harmful situation, when you have the power to place me in a studio where I'll be the most productive and inspired to be better. For, in all honestly I connect with Kyle. I realized that at the beginning of this year when he and a couple other advisors had gotten up and talked about the subjects that they were mentors of. As soon as he started talking, I instantly connected with him. The manner of which he spoke of English, moved me. For he and I believe the same about writing and literature, about how with certain words you can move someone to tears, inspire them, or effect them in a negative manner. Books have always been my safe haven. Writing has always been a way that I expressed myself. Last year when I realized that I wasn't good at English as I thought I was, it was such a rude wake up call that I was close to devastated.
Then I wasn't, because I knew that that through seminars with Kyle I could grow. Grow through my English skills, as well as grow as a person for the subject is so dear to me. From that day on, I reach a level of respect with Kyle that I didn't even know existed. I've learned a great deal with him this year, I've confided in him about situations more then once, because I trust him. Which is odd for in general I trust very few. I can count on one hand how many people I truly feel I can confide in. Kyle is on that list.
Although I respect my current advisors, I feel no connection with them in the slightest. I don't believe it has anything to do with the people they are, because I do enjoy their company. I just don't feel believed in. Respected yes, believed in no. It's hard to go to school every day and feel trapped because I don't feel supported. I have an anxiety disorder, several actually. So in combination with my discomfort and my mental illnesses I've lost count of how many panic attacks on the way to school. I'm no stranger to throwing up on the side of the road, because the acid in my stomach is too painful not to get rid of.
I am painfully aware of the drama that seems to follow me around, I've not just the victim, I completely understand that. I fuel the drama, however I feel as I have made an effort to rectify those arguments. I tried so desperately to get along, to let stuff go, to talk to others when they hurt my feelings. However at some point, I just stopped trying. The idea that no matter how I acted or how I reacted to situations, the friends I had would hurt me, lie to me, and betray my trust. I know that, that specific detail about life can not be fixed. I'm learning to cope with that sad reality. However, CMS used to be my safe place, how it just adds to the problem. I love the Montessori ideal that students plan their own education, for it was that that idea that has set my personality. For while I have many faults, I really do like the person I am and I will always be grateful of the school for helping me develop.
I am convinced that Kyle believes in me, believes that I can do what I set my mind to. As well as support me and my academic career. In complete honestly I could deal with the same people if I had Kyle. I'm coping with feeling like an outsider with my peer group, for it was the mess with the tutu that set all of that into motion. I'm coping with that, but it's become too much. The feeling of being trapped almost kills me. As well as depressed me to no end.
In addition, I would like you to know that it was extremely difficult for me to write this. I don't share my feelings often. I absolutely despise it. That was the main reason while I just took this year, and didn't speak up. I can understand your reservations, but please reconsider.
Respectively,
Abigayle Fay Whitt
Abbi,
Thank you for sharing your letter – it is brave, eloquent, and cuts to the core of the issue. I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always advocate for you and do everything I can to ensure that your experience here is a productive and peaceful one. I hope you realize that Barbara wants to do what she feels like is best for you and your studio, even if her idea of “best” is not your idea of “best.” I know she will take into consideration the points you make in your letter, as she cares very much about every student at CMS.
Thank you again for sharing, and now, shrug off the weight that you’ve been carrying around this year and enjoy your summer! You deserve it.
-Kyle
This man has to be the best teacher I have ever had. When I'm grown, I'll remember him. I hope to make him proud. He's the closest thing to a father figure that I have. And that is one of things I'm most proud of. That he believes in me. That I am able to be believed in.
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